芒果街上的小屋我的名字

我的名字

　　在英语里，我名字的意思是希望。在西班牙语里，它意味着太多的字母。它意味着哀伤，意味着等待。它就像数字九。一种泥泞的色彩。它是每到星期天早晨，爸爸刮胡子时播放的墨西哥唱片，呜咽似的歌。

　　它过去是我曾祖母的名字，现在是我的。她也是一个属马的女人，和我一样，生在中国的马年——如果你生为女人，这会被认为是霉运——可是我想，这是个中国谎，因为，中国人和墨西哥人一样，不喜欢他们的女人强大。

　　我的曾祖母。要是我见过她多好，女人中的野马，野得不想嫁人。直到我的曾祖父用麻袋套住她的头把她扛走。就那样扛着，好像她是一盏华贵的枝形吊灯。那就是他的办法。

　　后来，她永远没有原谅他。她用一生向窗外凝望，像许多女人那样凝望，胳膊肘支起忧伤。我想知道她是否随遇而安；是否会为做不成她想做的人而伤怀。埃斯佩朗莎。我继承了她的名字，可我不想继承她在窗边的位置。

　　在学校里，他们说我的名字很滑稽，音节好像是铁皮做的，会碰痛嘴巴里的上颚。可是在西班牙语里，我的名字是更柔和的东西做的，像银子，没有妹妹的名字那么浑厚。她叫玛格达蕾娜，这名字没我的美。玛格达蕾娜回到家里可以叫成蕾妮。可我总是埃斯佩朗莎。

　　我想要取一个新的名字，它更像真正的我，那个没人看到过的我。埃斯佩朗莎换成黎桑德拉或者玛芮查或者泽泽X。一个像泽泽X的名字就可以了。

　　In English my name means hope. In Spanish it means too maers. It means sadness, it means waiting. It is like the number nine. A muddy color. It is the Mexi records my father plays on Sunday ms when he is shaving, songs like sobbing.

　　It was my great-grandmother's name and now it is mine. She was a horse woman too, born like me in the ese year of the horse——which is supposed to be bad luck if you're born female——but I think this is a ese lie because the ese, like the Mexis, don't like their women strong.

　　My great-grandmother. I would've liked to have known her, a wild horse of a woman, so wild she wouldn't marry. Until my great-grandfather threw a sack over her head and carried her off. Just like that, as if she were a fancy delier. That's the way he did it.

　　And the stoes she never fave him. She looked out the window her whole life, the way so many women sit their sadness on an elbow. I wonder if she made the best with what she got or was she sorry because she couldn't be all the things she wao be. Esperanza. I have ied her name, but I don't want to i her place by the window.

　　At school they say my name funny as if the syllables were made out of tin and hurt the roof of your mouth. But in Spanish my name is made out of a softer something, like silver, not quite as thick as sister's name——Magdalena——which is uglier than mine. Magdalena who at least e home and bee Nenny. But I am always Esperanza.

　　I woud like to baptize myself under a new name ,a name more like the real me ,the one nobody sees. Esperanza as Lisandra or Zeze the X. Yes. Something like Zeze the X will do.

虚阁网(Xuges.com)